you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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