What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
