I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
how drunk are you?
Several
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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