see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
