He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
