Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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