You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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