saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
