Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
