Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
