I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
