if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
