My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
