well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
