why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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