I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
