First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
