they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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