the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
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