It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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