i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
