you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
