my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
