dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
