someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
