why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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