i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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