So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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