Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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