evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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