Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
