I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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