Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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