He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
