the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
