i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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