I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
