my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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