god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
