I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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