OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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