I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
