I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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