i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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