remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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