I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
