So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
