I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
