My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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