Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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