My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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